We must reject the concept of “bad apples.” It’s on all of us, as men, to end violence.
By Jesse Mahler, Program Manager
October 16, 2026
There’s a sentiment we hear often at the listening sessions and other events Futures Without Violence organizes with male students on college campuses across the country:
“There’s still a lot of the ‘dudes are gonna be dudes’ culture.”
The message is clear: Degrading language and harmful behavior toward women, and gay men, have been so normalized – and the penalty for speaking up feels so great – that many men are resigned to accepting abuse.
But we can’t accept that this kind of violence is inevitable. The horrific allegations about the 2024 attack on Jane Doe at a Cornell fraternity are a painful reminder about the urgency of our work.
It’s past time for our higher education systems, policymakers, families, and society at large to reckon with some painful truths and put resources into solutions. Why? Because what allegedly took place at Cornell isn’t unique. The stark reality is that it happens to 1 in 8 undergraduate students, or an estimated 300,000 times per year.
As men, we should ask ourselves: Why does the penalty for speaking up feel so great and how we can change that? And then we need to commit to implementing strategies and actions proven to bring change. Here’s how we do that.
Confront the Social Pressures that Coerce Men to ‘Get in Line’
We won’t uproot violence unless we understand the reasons men use it and the reasons they don’t speak up – and then work to change these attitudes.
Studies show that men receive more praise when they adhere to rigid ideas of who men should be: dominant, self-reliant, and resolving conflict through aggression. More than half of men (58%) say they’re expected to be strong and show no weakness; almost as many boys (46%) believe they must not cry, show sadness or fear, or they will be teased or picked on.
There are pressures to adhere to this vision of manhood, and consequences if you don’t stick to the “bro code.” It’s on all of us to create environments where men feel they have permission to be vulnerable and caring, and to take risks to hold each other accountable.
Reject the Concept of “Bad Apples”
Even if we’ve never been in a fraternity, never been in a chat like the 57 at Cornell who were on a Snap message boasting about the sexual assault, as a man, I can say: We’ve all overlooked degrading language about women. In fact, at some point most of us have participated in oversexualizing women or made jokes we know are not okay.
As one of our campus leaders shared: “These aren’t just conversations that are happening in the locker room. They’re conversations that are happening when just talking with your friends.”
If only 16% of us have called out friends for this stuff (per 2023 data), we’ll never see change. Men must find the courage to have uncomfortable conversations and speak up. It’s on all of us, as men, to end violence.
Make Anti-violence Education a Priority
Too often, vital education on consent, healthy relationships, and bystander intervention becomes a checkbox – an online training that a student breezes through, and then never returns to. Compounding that, many campuses with more than 10,000 students have just one or two full-time prevention educators.
That makes it impossible to make sustainable change.
The predictable result? Some 45% of college students report never receiving formal training on sexual assault prevention. But the problem starts well before college; only 24% of college students report having had sex education (which covers topics including consent) in middle or high school. So systemic failures are contributing to the epidemic of sexual violence on college campuses.
Our schools need to provide comprehensive violence prevention and sex education that’s more than checking a compliance box for all students.
The Way Forward
That can change. For the last decade, Futures Without Violence has provided training and resources to hundreds of colleges on how to engage men in conversations aimed at preventing sexual assault and building healthy relationships. We know a world of care, connection, and safety is possible if administrators, parents, friends, educators, and elected officials commit to making it so.
As one student said:
“If I could speak to school administrators, I would say that these conversations are needed more than ever.”
My heart is heavy; I feel rage each time I learn more about what happened to a young Cornell student two years ago. But it’s also full of hope because I know if men have the courage to stand up, we can make a better world, together.
To learn more about FUTURES’ campus initiatives and resources, email EngagingMen@FuturesWithoutViolence.org and check out www.UnscriptedFutures.org.
Brief for Parents & Educators: Dating Advice for Boys
A resource for adults working with youth that explains the harms of AI-generated nudes and provides practical guidance for discussing consent, digital safety, bystander intervention, and support for those affected.
Violence Prevention in Middle School Male Athletic Programs
This report highlights the ways that relationship abuse and sexual violence can begin in adolescence and are influenced by social norms that support gender inequality and violence. It emphasizes the importance of prevention programs for younger adolescents, especially those that use peer influence and trusted adult role models to challenge harmful gender norms.
Athletic Coaches as Violence Prevention Advocates
Male high school athletes in heterosexual relationships who had more gender-equitable attitudes and were more willing to intervene if they saw abuse happening were less likely to be abusive to their dating partner. This study recommends prevention programs that promote healthy gender attitudes and active bystander intervention.
